What if no one's watching...?

What if no one was watching you? What if you never got criticism or compliments? What if it truly was just you and God and no opinions, advice, or expectation? Would you still do what you do everyday? What if there were no friends to stop in and say hi, no places to go to that you needed to look a certain way, no family to lend a helping hand or to give you the push you need? What is our true reason for living OUR lives the way we do?

Compassion seems to be lacking...a warm embrace is hard to find. Would we still be willing to offer compassion and warm embrace? Or do we become cold towards others, because they are cold to us? How far are we willing to go to break the cycle of this ever changing world and its lack of LOVE for each other? Do we wait for a tragedy to lend a helping hand or do we see the tears and distress and lend our shoulder to ease the woe of a tired soul?

My spirit feels broken and beaten down...my heart aches from the negativity of others around me. I weep from exhaustion of never being what others expect me to be,never quite good enough...

However, I am the happiest I have ever been! I have never been so confident in my relationship with my God. I have never felt so whole in a relationship, like I do with my husband and the faith he has in our God. I have never felt more love from anyone, than I do from my son. I have a growing soul in my body, who I will soon see...and I truly can say that I am complete.

So, here I go again. One day at a time...trying not to hear what others are saying or worry what they might think if I do what I feel I need to do. I will be the pillar for the weak to lean on, I will be the hearer of those who need to speak, I will be the hand that wipes the tears of those in despair, and I will be the love that others need to feel! I will break down, but I will always be built back up....and this I swear, I will never give up!

Faith?

What is your first reaction when a dear loved one wrongs you or makes a mistake that really only hurts themselves? Do our own personal life experiences, shape and mold the way we react or can we choose to change our thinking based on something else? It makes me sad, how quick people can lose their Faith, because they feel someone they care about is doing something "stupid", when really they are only hurting themselves. I'm not sure if it's because I'm a mom, or that I personally have made MANY mistakes, or if it's my spirituality but I only FEEL for my friends who go through hard times and make wrong decisions. If we slander them or get angry and lose faith in them as people when they mess up, how can we truly accept them back when they realise what they've done and come back asking for help? The prodigal son comes to mind and how the brothers of this man hated him for the wrong he had done and didn't think their father should welcome him back, but the father saw the remorse in his heart and welcomed him back. Not to say that this is an easy way to naturally think, especially when we feel wronged or hurt...but how would we want to be treated if we were in their situation? Would we not want the DIGNITY to have a change of heart and have our loyal friends there waiting for our return? Maybe some cant grasp this, because they have never had to go through it...but can that really be an excuse for everything? Must we mess up in life to understand redemption, or can we use our deep love for others to drive our ability to understand to live and let live? How can we expect the ransom to cover our sins, but not the sins of others?

Six Months Pregnant

Ok, so where to start? I am probably in my last pregnancy in this system of things. I have been very calm and happy for most of this pregnancy and I've really tried to be present with each day. Although I have been very sensitive to others opinions (which isn't like me at all) I am now coming out of that phase and entering the last stretch of my 2ND trimester. I am so excited to meet my second son, Jude! I can't imagine loving anyone more than my son Austin, since we've had 8 years together...but I know I will love Jude in a different and special way. My men! There's something reassuring about having all of these men in my life. Austin is already so compassionate and giving like his father, I know he'll be an amazing father and husband some day! I am so excited to see how Jude's personality turns out to be like. I also feel that I'm entering a time in my life, where I am no longer the young adult around the older mother figures I've always had in my life.As I approach thirty this year, I feel I am now a peer...wither they see as me as that, is a different story. However, now that I am a mom, a wife and a successful home school teacher...I now see things differently. I am no longer intimidated by their experiences or by their critiques...instead, I take into consideration their thoughts and advice, and go about my day. I am happy with who I am and how my husband and I have our lives. I think only the "insecure" are critical about the way others do things. So instead of being offended, I try to look for any good in peoples comments and focus on our reality. It's really a vindicating feeling to have that thought. I love these older ones and sincerely welcome advice, as long as it is "seasoned with salt" and offered in a kind and loving way. Don't we all want and deserve that dignity? So as I wrap up the home school year, and prepare the house for Jude's arrival, I ponder on our life and how it is about to change. I'm focusing on being a supportive wife to my husband and surrendering to things I cannot do in a balanced way. I'll let the house be a mess, if it means spending time with Austin in the last few months we have alone together. It's the calm before the storm...but I'll welcome the rain :)

Cheerful Giver

It's been six months since my last blog, so I thought it was time to revisit.

Today I'm thinking about my position in life. Now I know my Blog is called, "A Mom, a Wife, a Dreamer...", but what about my position to others outside of my home? We have sacrificed many things so that I may be a "stay at home mom" and I feel that it has honored me with more than just taking care of my household. I have the ability and blessing of helping others. Those mom's who have to go to work full time AND be a Mom, or the older ones who's family lives far away...the scenario's are endless. I guess I was just thinking that my position in life right now, is pretty darn awesome! When I was a single mom and worked two jobs, I remember wishing that I could help people who were sick by bringing them a meal or babysitting some one's children if they needed that. However, I just couldn't...my plate was full. Now, though, my plate is overflowing...in a good way. I would rather be running around after my friends children laughing and playing,or cooking an amazing meal for someone who really appreciates it, or just being an open ear to a friend in need over a cup of coffee, than any other job in the world. My son knowing that I am HERE and he has my undivided attention...is worth giving up two vacations a year and a brand new car or the newest phone and the "trendiest" clothes!

No matter what our position in life may be, there is always someone, somewhere who has it worse. I think it's important to remember that EVERY DAY, and it will help us keep our faith up, and our worries won't seem so big! LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!!

Canoe

Here I am, sitting on a bleacher. My hair is in a pony tail, I have a vest on, a travel mug of coffee and I am wearing crocs. My handsome husband is sitting next to me with his coffee and we are watching our son sit in a canoe, with a life jacket on,floating in a pool. Suddenly I realized, OMG! I'm a soccer mom!!! Maybe he's not playing soccer, but we are cheering him on and we're sitting on a bleacher and we came here in a mini van. AHHHHH!!!! It was so funny to realize, but it was nice also. It was a nice realization that sometimes things that we steer clear of, in actuality, bring us most joy. We were so proud of him and his learning how to master something. Seeing him gain confidence in himself and making us proud...he was so happy! Who can beat that! So here's a cheer to all the soccer moms out there! Those moms who rush around to fit in events for their children, when in reality are completely at inconvenient times during the week, and yet somehow we make it work. Coming home for dinner and homework and reading and family time! A mothers job is an important one. Never forget that!

How I came to be here as a mom

I gave birth to my son when I was 20 years old and was not planning on it. However, he changed me forever...I think I would have been lost if it wasn't for him. Some women,when they are not expecting to have a baby, go through many emotions. They either commit to it and let it change them,they may choose not to have the baby,they give it up for adoption,they have the baby while kicking and screaming and just do it b/c the feel it's the right thing but always resent their child. I do not judge any of these choices.I just found myself amongst these women and this is my story. I never thought of giving him up or abortion. But I was completely unprepared.I had been traveling all over the place...living in Florida and then NH, going where the wind blew me and at my own pace. I was then living with my Aunt in North Hampton NH, my boyfriend lived an hour away, and I was just about to break up with him when I found out I was pregnant. I loved him, and it was his baby, but I was too young to settle down. I was a free spirit, a vagabond, a traveler. Now here I was, pregnant. Seven years later, I am happily married,with my son's father and I love it. Granted I broke up with him when my son was a year and a half, and went through many experiences and spent a time as a single mom. But even if people experience stable relationships or not, as women, we must all go through feelings of "where am I" when being a mom. That's why I am here...writing a blog :) I hope that despite challenges, that we can overcome them and be happy. We cannot control everything and everyone...but we can control ourselves. In the end, I hope someone can relate :)

A MOM, A WIFE, A DREAMER......

My first entry! My main motive to create this blog was to express the fact, that even though I am a mom and a wife, I am also a dreamer. I have hopes and dreams and thoughts and they didn't all go away because I got married and had a family. My creative juices are always at the tip of my brain, yet my family comes first and I am the caretaker...which I love to be! So how then, do I have the "other" me as well? I know I am not the only woman,nor the first to think about this. So what do we do, fellow mom/wife dreamers? I play guitar and sing. I use to play out at open mic night's and record my music. I love to write songs and poetry. I love to paint...mostly furniture and small things, but none the less, I paint. I love to cook and not from recipe. I love to go out for coffee and talk about inspiring things. I love to rediscover myself everyday, and I love to constantly change my goals and dreams. The fact here, my friends and fellow mom/wife dreamers, is just because we have promised to be faithful to the end to the one's we love, and give ourselves completely to our children...does not mean that we have disappeared. You can conquer all of these areas completely and still be who we are underneath.I have to thank my wonderful husband, who every day walks me through my endeavours!He supports me to be anything I want to be and truly loves me no matter what I do,what I look like, or how I feel. To my beautiful son Austin, who indeed changed my life forever.Introduced me to another possible me,and challenges me to be a more positive,more patient me.To all of the strong,loving women in my life...you know who you are. You are my friends,my sisters and my mothers. You are my support and my strength. Last but not least, my wonderful and loving parents! I have learned from their wisdom and by their faith in me. My mother and Father admit when they make mistakes and I think that has proven more to me than anything...that we are ALL imperfect and yet we CAN change and help others at the same time. They have an unconditional love that I am eternally greatful for! I hope to share my growth and progress with you all and encourage your feedback. With love~Amandolyn